shivver13 (shivver13) wrote,

Whine whine whine

I don't know why it tickles me that the British word for whining differs by only one letter, but it does. I was also very amused when I found out what "whinging" means and realized where the Dursleys live. I wonder how many other cultural jokes I missed in the HP series.

I feel like all I do on LJ nowadays is whine, but I'm not particularly happy with my life right now. Not like depressively unhappy or anything. Just not satisfied.

At least I know why I'm unhappy. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything, and that I'm too busy to do what I want to do, but I also know that it's not true and that a lot of my ennui is self-inflicted. It's true that I have been busier than normal. Band especially has been busier than normal. The band that runs during the school year just came to an end and the two summer bands have started up, so now I have two rehearsals a week, with last week having three rehearsals, and there've been three concerts in the last three weeks. One of my friends hosts extra rehearsals at his house and I've been trying to hit those as well. And, since I'm playing a new instrument for the summer bands, I've been practicing on my own. Add to that work stress, the Big Finish annual competition, and two, count 'em, two colds in the past month, and I just haven't been handling it well. (To be honest, it's probably just the same cold coming back. Ever since the first one, I've been coughing, and though it was getting better and almost gone, on Tuesday I woke up coughing up my lungs and unable to talk. So, I'm home again today.)

This, by the way, is the reason I haven't followed up on the suggestion I made to you, paynesgrey, but I promise I will work on it soon. I've also been considering switching to cross-posting on Dreamwidth, because with the loss of lost_spook, almost all my friends are gone from LJ, but I just haven't felt the motivation to figure out how to do this, or how I'm going to keep up on both LJ and DW.

The worst part, though, is that I know that I'm fooling myself. I have plenty of time to do the things I want, but I've allowed the Big Finish competition to get the better of me. I have not been able to come up with a good idea for a story, so I've been working on this crappy idea. I know it's terrible, but it's all I have, so I'm working on it. However, I write for the pleasure of writing, and when I can't get behind an idea, I can't write, but I know I have to do it. So I've spent the last month and a half staring at the document and doing nothing. Sometimes I've sat there for an hour just despairing. Sometimes I've closed the document and gone off to a different story to work on it, telling myself that maybe it'll spark me to get more done on my entry. (It never does.) Sometimes I've just sat and gone over the story in my head, working through stuff, but not actually getting anything down. I've worked on this for over a month and have to send in the entry in two days, and I have only one page of actual text to show for it.

Meanwhile, stories that I actually care about are languishing in my WIP folder. I did actually get a lot of work done on another story, but that has only served to make me feel even worse about my efforts for the BF competition. One thing good that has come out of all this is I've got a number of ideas I might pursue. I like to ask my husband for ideas for the BF competition, but one of the rules is that you can't use established monsters and characters other than the Doctor and the companion. So the conversation invariably results in one usable idea and six ideas that can only be used in fanfiction. Score!

The last thing that's been bothering me is that I've noticed that this never seems to end. While I'm in the doldrums like this, I usually think something like, "Oh, when X is over, then I'll have the time to pursue the things I want." For example, the BF competition ends on the 30th, so I should be free after that. The thing is, I never am. I get past the target date, and I'm as busy as ever. I've learned, though, from the past two years' experience, that I always sign up for July Camp Nanowrimo, and thus the BF deadline doesn't clear me up because now I have another source of pressure. So, this year, I'm not going to sign up for camp.

So that's my life in a nutshell. I've been too dispirited to post here or keep up on my discussion forums, or to interact with anyone in general. Hopefully things will improve soon.
Tags: real life

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